PreDiet

Hey all! So for some background info...

These past days have been sucky. after promising myslef every night i was going to start fresh, i havent actually dont well in the afternoons/nights. ive binged a lot. I need to detox a bit. it was the last day of exams and school, so tomorrow is my first day of summer. i need to find something i can do so i wont be bored and binge. i plan on starting a new plan tomorrow.

I am going to have between 600 and 700 calories (excluding fruit and veggies)

I'm going to test this out for week and take it from there.

take care guys :)

(I love her body in this music video.)

Binge Free Day Number 1

Yay! I'm really happy right now. I had exams until 12, and I had to stay after for a while to review for another exam. When I came home, I sat down and ate my lunch of 300 calories. I watched my 2 favorite shows and was lazy for about 2 hours. Then, at 4:00, I went to the gym! I haven't gone there in a long time, and it felt good to exercise. I looked in the mirror as I was on the cross trainer, and I was semi-happy with my stomach. I think it was a mixture between endorphins, good lighting, and my t-shirt, but I was feeling pretty good. I don't ever want to binge ever ever ever again, and I am going to take it every day at a time. One second at a time.

What is a binge?

Binge: A short period devoted to indulging in an activity (verb)

Short?? I don't think so. My binging has lasted months now, and it's all starting to show. I am very tired of all this drama. I don't need it. I don't deserve it. I can't believe I've let it get this far that I'm thinking about food 24/7 and binging all the time. When I'm at school, I think about all that I'm going to have when I get home. When I get home, I make sure I'm discreet if someone's in the house, and I pig out until they leave, then I BINGE. But lately, binges are becoming larger and larger for me to actually consider them binges. For example, yesterday, I had lots of peanut butter, chips, and bread. Hey, it wasn't good, but I didn't consider it a binge. I want to call it an episode of overeating.

Today, however, was a binge. It was my last day of real school (I have exams for the next few weeks on and off), and I just wanted to relief some stress. I've also been lonely because my aunt is gone, and will be for 2-3 more weeks. It really sucks when she's not here, because I want to talk to someone, and boys aren't chatty.

I don't know how much longer I can keep fooling myself. Tomorrow is a new day, but is it really new when I've already been through it over and over again? I'm not going to wake up one day and be magically motivated to stick to not eating for weeks until I reach my goal weight. WHY IS WEIGHT SO IMPORTANT TO ME? Why couldn't I have gotten myself addicted to something else, like exercise or gum? That way, I could still be skinny.

I'm going to try very hard tomorrow to not binge. I'm going to get through one day at a time, and I'm telling myself it will get easier.

Update

I'm sitting in my room, with the music going, and trying to forget everything that's happened today. Where to start...

So I set my alarm clock for 7:00 am last night, so I could wake up early and get a workout in before I went to work. Well, 7:00 came around, and my alarm went off, but I was so tired, and I turned it off. I thought I set it again for 8:30, but apparently I didn't because before I knew it, I woke up and it was 8:58 and I had to leave at 9 for work. I was so stressed out. I jumped out of bed, called my ride and told them i was coming, and put anything on. I ran downstairs and out the door. I barely made it on time, and looked awful. But I made it! haha. At work, I got ridiculously hungry, and I bought a salad and a bag of chips :( I normally would've brought like 200 calories to have, but I didn't have time for that. I felt really bad for eating that, and knew I was going to binge when I got home. I did. At first, I had a jelly and almond butter sandwich. Then, that turned into mini donuts, and cookies. Then I had some chocolate and cereal. Then, as if all hat wasn't enough, I snuck out of the house and went to the store. I bought chips, and 2 muffins. I ate them all. I told myself that was all I was going to have, but at 9:00, I caved and had a big-ass bowl of pasta with cheese. BUT.... now it's over. I'm just sick and tired of this all. I don't want to binge ever again, but no one who doesn't have an eating disorder knows what it's like to need to binge. I would imagine what it's like for heroin addict in withdrawl. I've never been a drug addict, and never will be, but the feeling is that intense. Food is my drug. I'm not going to tell you all now, that I'm never going to binge again. The fact is, that I probably will. But, I'm going to try my damn hardest to not binge. And if I do, I'm going to get past it, and not beat myself up. Starting tomorrow, I'm limiting myself to 900 calories or less until I reach my goal weight of 112 lbs.

*the above photo was me at the beach, when i started to gain all this weight.