Feeling very alone and upset

Despite efforts, (admittedly not my best), I binged 3 days in a row. They were bad for me. First 2 days were under 4000 calories, and today was between 5000-7000. I was feeling very lonely when I did it. My aunt had gone to my cousin's baseball game, and when she left I was actually exercising and planning to have a small dinner after. But 5 minutes after she left I literally said "F*ck this," and grabbed some bread and butter and chips with cheese. I've felt very weak, and it doesn't help that I've been having problems breathing. I feel like I can never get enough air, and it's been happening for atleast 2 months now. It's cause I'm getting so fricking fat. AND: I'm feeling especially hopeless because my aunt (whom I am very close to and love dearly) is leaving for a month to go to Canada for work. I am going to be stuck with my uncle, and 2 boy cousins, who I think are very annoying. And my uncle favors my cousin (why should he favor me? I'm only his neice) but I don't get any attention from him... oh well. I'll get through it. In the time that my aunt is gone, my eating habits won't be monitored as closely, and I AM NOT GOING TO BINGE! while she's gone. I am planning on losing 8-10 pounds in the time that she's gone. I'm going to start tomorrow, and she'll leave on Friday, and won't be home until the 25th of June, so I'm on my own. I know I can do this. I'm going to do whatever I can to make this work.

Infact, I'm starting 46810 diet tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I'm having 400 calories, and no matter how bad the urge is to binge when I come home from school or am in the cafeteria, I'm not going to do it. I've even decided to have a constant reminder of my goal-- I've written 112 (for the goal weight I want to be) on the underside of my arm in small print. I want this so bad. And anyone who tells me that I don't want it that bad because I binge and sabotage myself, is wrong. I want this more than anyone else. It's not that I lack self discipline-- It's that I don't know how to cope without using food to substitute for loneliness. I'll fix this though. 112