THIS IS A RANT (I'm writing this from a very upset place)

So a lot has changed since my last post. I am currently suicidal and I can't believe I'm actually writing this. I don't know why I even am. I want to die. Right now. I don't even care if it hurt a lot. I probably deserve the suffering. I just don't even know where to start.

I'm just going to write exactly what I did today, and me feeling suicidal has a lot to do with what I ate, as sad as that sounds.

I woke up early after going to bed late. Tested my blood sugar and it was high 300s. That didn't even make sense because I hadn't binged the night before and I thought I had the right dosage of insulin going... I guess not. I took a whopping 10 units, and thought "F*ck this. I don't give a rats ass what I eat. Im high anyway, and its obvious karma's a bitch" So, I had 3-4 tablespoons of almond butter and 2 pieces of bread for breakfast. For lunch in the morning, I made myself a really disguisting meal of kale, mushrooms, tofu, mayo, and mustard all mashed together. I tasted it before i put if in my bag, and I just knew I wasn't going to eat that shit. Then, at school, I just felt really tired and this yawning thing I have (I yawn about once every 45 seconds) is really driving me crazy. I just wanted to go sleep. At lunch, I bought a huge bag of peanuts and a bag of pretzels and i ate them. that's 500 calories on my stomach. I sometimes wish I purged, cause I'd feel alot better after, I think. I just have to get over my aversion to vomit and vomiting. I came home with my carpool, which ii hate. they're bitches to the core and one of them talks to her mother like she's her slave. Its absolutely repulsing. I walked in and my cousin is sitting in the spot where i do my homework. He knows it gets to me. I know I sound spoiled, but it helps me finish faster. And. All of his cousins were over and they were being so fucking annoying. I HATE kid boys and I know I never want one. If I get pregnant and I find out its a boy, Im aborting it, and I dont care how far along i am. Anyway, I knew while walking up the steps of my house that I wanted to binge with a passion. I didnt have the strength to distract myself, so i was going to do it. When I walked in though and saw him there, it made me want to kill them all. I discreetly got a whole almond butter sandwich with a shit load of pretzels and lemon cookies and went in the living room. I kept wanting to go back for more, but they couldve seen me. I didnt. Then, my aunt called me, because she was away at the mall and she told me to walk the dogs, which i hate doing. It was raining outside, and i didnt want to do it, but i told her yes, cause she wouldve gone off saying "do i ever ask you to do a lot? i dont..." and laid the guilt trip on me. I needed to get my hw done and very nicely asked my cousin to move. he told me no and we got in an arguement. Then he's like "no wonder my dad doesnt like you". BASTARD. I fucking hate him so much. I think he's the most disguisting pig I've ever seen. He weighs like 200 pounds and he's like 4 foot. His parents feed him so much junk and he secretely steals food. I think he's repulsing and takes up space. I just couldnt take it, so I walked away. I went upstairs and called my aunt and told her things need to change. She said we're all going to sit down and talk later.... that'll be fun. I honestly dont know where i belong. Its not here. not with my dad. I just want to be on my own at 110 pounds near the beach with a lot of good friends. and a boyfriend. I wish my cousin and their dog were dead, and my uncle and aunt were my parents. I wish most of all, that I didn't have an ED.